i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
