dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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