the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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