you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
