I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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