Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
