I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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