he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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