i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
