Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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