tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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