Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
