God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she pinky promised me she was 18
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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