Do you still have your period?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
