Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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