I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
