if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
