The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
