There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
