you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
