hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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