I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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