I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
