If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
