I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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