A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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