Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
