I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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