i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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