Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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