Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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