and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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