how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
