i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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