He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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