I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
