Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Randomize
