I think my vagina is haunted
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
