Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
