Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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