I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
