I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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