A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
