Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Enjoy the penises
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
