In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
