Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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