Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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