you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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