paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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