I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
